Supplies for a Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR)

If you or someone you know is experiencing a Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR) or a late-term pregnancy loss, here are some supplies you may want, some coping mechanisms, some concrete ways to help. Feel free to share this post with your friends so they can know how best to support you and your community.

These are things that I (Robin) found incredibly helpful during my TFMR in May 2021, at 21 weeks gestation. My story will be detailed in another blog post that will be shared soon.

(Note: some links below are affiliate links. I may earn a commission from purchases made through these links, but my recommendations are based on my personal experience.)

Quick summary of products (explanations found below):

• Menstrual heating pads (plug in and disposable)

• Pads and pantyliners for bleeding (or period underwear, no tampons/cups)

• Breastmilk pads for leaky boobs

• Elastic bandage wrap (for boobs)

• Large ice packs (for boobs)

• Sudafed/antihistamines for drying up milk supply

• Pain killers (ibuprofen, tylenol)

• A journal or notebook (or phone app)

• Your favorite soothing items (bath bombs, music, a good book, a soft blanket, Disney movies, etc)

• Non-product suggestions below (meals, check ins, therapists, etc)

More details on the above items, and more suggestion for support:

Things to help with the physical recovery:

• Menstrual heating pads:

  • Disposable heat pads are helpful when you're on the go. They stick to the inside of your underwear and last hours, providing relief directly to your uterus and pelvis.

  • Reusable plug in ones are handy for when you're sitting around

  • Rice packs can be helpful when you have access to a microwave, and the weight can feel relaxing. Some have essential oils that can help with calming.

• Pads and pantyliners for bleeding:

  • Just like postpartum, you may bleed after a loss. This can happen whether you have a surgical procedure or labor and deliver. If you have a surgical procedure, they often remove most of the uterine lining so you may have less bleeding afterwards. Have a pack of heavier pads and a set of pantyliners on hand just in case.

  • Period panties.

  • No tampons or cups- you likely will be advised to avoid putting anything up your vagina for a few weeks after the termination or loss. Use external methods instead of internal.

• Breastmilk leaking:

  • It's possible your milk may come in. It happens to some people, especially the later in pregnancy you are. It's not common so it's often overlooked by medical professionals, but it can be devastating if it happens and you're not prepared.

    • You may want breastmilk pads for leaking.

    • Some people choose to pump and donate their milk. If so, you'll want supplies for pumping and storing breastmilk (a breastpump, milk storage bags).

    • You can ask your medical provider for Cabergoline, a medication used to inhibit milk production. It's not FDA approved for this usage, but some doctors will prescribe it.

    • Pressure, cold, and antihistamines are all helpful too:

      • tightly wrapped elastic bandages

      • an old sports bra

      • ice packs

      • Sudafed/antihistamines

      • cabbage leaves

    • No stimulation. The more you hand express or relieve, the more you encourage milk production. Hand express if need be to relieve pressure, but immediately add a cold pack after.

• Pain killers:

  • Use what you typically find relieving during a period. Tylenol or ibuprofen as needed.

Things to help socially:

• A meal train:

  • Family and friends can support you by providing healthy meals. Not having to grocery shop or meal plans takes a huge mental load off, allowing you to focus on your recovery (mental, physical, emotional, psychological).

  • If they don't live nearby, maybe they can send gift cards to your favorite restaurants or grocery deliver services.

• Check in regularly:

  • Friends and family: check in on your loved one often. Let them know you're thinking of them, and that you love them. Let them know you're always there to talk if they need it.

  • (A future post will go more into depth of things you shouldn't say to them, but for now, avoid anything that judges them for how they feel or makes them feel like they should be "over it by now." They are likely to think about this baby and this loss every day for the rest of their lives, and you have no right to judge them for that.)

  • Let them know you're thinking of their baby too. Use the words they use, the names they use. If they name the baby, refer to the baby using that name. If they use the word "fetus" or "TFMR" or "loss" or "abortion"- use that language too. Respect their experience, and know that they may change the language they use over time.

Mental health and therapy:

• Ask for a therapist. When you're in your medical appointments, tell your providers that you need mental health support and ask for a referral every time to see them.

• If possible, find a mental health professional who specializes in pregnancy loss. At a minimum, the person you work with should be understanding of your experience and not judgmental (it's ridiculous to even have to say that).

• Postpartum.net has virtual support groups for a range of topics, including TFMR support for moms, for parents, pregnancy and infant loss, abortion support, and many more. It's incredibly helpful to talk to people who have been through a similar situation.

• Take photos and save any mementos you can. You may never want to look at them again, but you won't have the chance to if you don't save them now. (See below for some of mine.)

  
  
  
  

Personal/solo things you can do:

• Get outside:

  • Get outside every day, in nature. Go for a gentle walk or a hike. Listen to music, and just be in your body. I live in the redwoods in Northern California and getting out for walks surrounded by my giant trees was incredibly healing.

• Journal:

  • I'm not much of a journal-er. But during the first few months and years after my loss, I wrote ALL THE TIME. I used the Notes app on my phone and would just write whatever came to mind. A lot of it is incredibly angry and emotional and personal- not meant to be shared. But it felt like if I didn't let out the emotions, I'd explode.

  • This also helped me share my story, with the greater world, and also just with my immediate people. I could practice phrasing things in my notes before saying it out loud. I also just let friends read my notes, since saying it out loud often felt too heavy. This was a way I could share with them without having to talk.

• Use your normal coping tools. If a relaxing bath is something you usually enjoy, you'll find it helpful now. If listening to music loudly and screaming is a useful tool for you, that will likely help now. You know yourself and your body- do what you need.

• Give yourself grace. This is an awful thing to experience. You may feel incredibly alone, and like you'll never recover. It's normal to feel this way. The first few days and weeks and months are absolutely awful. Your life will likely never be the same as it was before that- you've lost the naïveté of a healthy pregnancy, and it often feels like a part of you is gone. Give yourself time to grieve and process this loss. It does get better, but slowly, over time. Give yourself that time.

I'm so sorry you're here. Reach out if you need to chat.